EMOTIONAL HEALTH CONTINUED

     I knew that I had to look at the problems at hand, and concentrate on Wayne.  He would be released from the hospital soon and I wondered if I could handle his care myself.  I fought the idea of a nursing home with all my heart.  I was disillusioned with nursing homes after dealing with them with his father and then his mother.  I never dreamed that we would be in the same boat so soon.  You never think that a crisis will happen to you...at least you pray for deliverance.  But problems arise, so you have to face them and get on with your life, however it has changed.  The real test of your endurance is to find a balance between what has to be done and what you can handle yourself.

     In my case, I read all the information I could get my hands on about my husband’s condition.  I asked questions of the nurses.  Why was his procedure being done? Why were these medications being given, and what were the side effects of each drug?  I bought a book on medications so that I could understand their benefits and side effects.  Sometimes this works, but other times it can confuse you completely.  It is still better to discuss any questions with your doctor when you can corner him long enough.  When Wayne’s doctor tried to leave the room, I would ask them to sit down and discuss my husband’s situation and give me a tentative prognosis.  I say tentative, because most doctors ten to give you the worst case scenario and I believe in thinking positively.  I knew that I was facing a bad situation, but I refused to give up just  a doctor believed a condition would not get any better.  I believe in the power of positive thinking and I work with it all the time.  I believe that if you continually think and work toward the positive end, it will help.  I’m afraid that I am know as an eternal optimist.  But, I must say, in my defense, that things go my way more often than not.  I have always been a very lucky person.  My advice is to look for something good to happen it most likely will.  If you look on the dark side, that instead is what you will probably find.

     So, thinking positively, I worked out a plan for caring for my husband, with a long-range plan for his recovery that would take him back home and out on the golf course.  I worked with him in his physical therapy sessions and at home, make sure that he had the best care I could give, and encouraged him to exercise his mind.

     It is hard to see the person you love unable to walk or remember an incident or a conversation.  I believe the worst pain in when they don’t even know who you are.  They look at you with empty eyes, sometimes frightened because they don’t know what is happening..  That empty look is the first hurdle you have to overcome---at least it was for me.

     

EMOTIONAL HEALTH

    When Wayne lost his kidney function we adjusted to having him on dialysis, but when he had a stroke, then a perforated bowel and peritonitis on top of it, I cried loud and long...then I prayed until I couldn’t find any more words.  When I came to terms with the problems that I was forced to face, a calm took over and I was able to look at the situation with a new perspective.  It is hard to detach yourself when your beloved husband is lying on a sterile bed, looking so vulnerable, but if you must make plans for the future and the care of this person, you must know how to become detached.

     When Wayne recovered a little bit from the stroke and the perforated bowel, I noted that his condition left him with memory loss and difficulty summoning the proper words when he was talking.  He was confused at times, but it wasn’t too extreme and we could have dealt with that problem, but with the peritonitis complicating his condition we almost lost him.

     At first when I realized the seriousness of his illness, it was hard to control my emotions.  I started tearing up for no apparent reason.  In fact, my emotions were often near the surface and I couldn’t push them down anymore.  Of course, I was always full of questions and worry about Wayne’s condition.  What am I going to do?  When will I get to take him home, or to the apartment?  What is his prognosis?  Is he going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life?  I knew that I would rather see him die than vegetate.  But then I didn’t want to be without him either.  It seemed like I was going crazy with all these questions.

     I mourned the loss of our future.  What happened to our dreams of traveling?  We’d planned on living in Arizona in the winter with all our friends and spending the summers in Hermiston with our family.  Our parents stole our dream when we had to care for them instead of being free to travel.  Then Wane began to fail and his health problems ended all our plans, for the moment anyway.  Sometimes I felt cursed---it had been one problem after another.  It makes you ask why?  Why are we the only ones who would care for our parents?  Why couldn’t the other siblings take their turn?  That’s an easy one to answer.  With my mother, she refused to travel to Los Angeles to visit our family.  She was afraid of flying and Southern California is so far away that if she wanted to come home, it would take too long.  Mother has always been fearful.  She was afraid of flying, driving too far from home, traveling with a group, and all the things she could do to enjoy life, she wouldn’t even consider.  With Wayne’s mom and dad, we were close.  His brother lived in Tucson, Arizona and visited very little with his parents.

     

MORE ABOUT FEELINGS

    Sometimes the pressure of your situation makes you angry at everybody and everything in your life.  It isn’t fair to the children, who haven’t done anything yet feel the tension in the family.

     You may get angry at your parent for forcing you into this predicament.  You just want it to come to an end.  You want them to pass away and be done with it.  You’re not alone in these feelings.  It is normal to feel resentment when your whole life has been turned upside down.

     But there are benefits and lovely moments in caregiving too, since it’s not just all problems.  Count the precious years that your loved one has lived and imagine the changes that have taken place during their lifetime.  Imagine living through this period of rapid change, a witness to man learning how to fly, then watching the first walk on the moon.  It must be amazing, to say the least.  Think of the stories they have to tell.  At the very least you can hear all the important events in their lives, or hear stories about their parents’ lives.  You have a treasure of family history just waiting to be recorded for future generations.  So instead of counting your losses, explore the past and really hear your heritage.

     If there are children living at home, they learn to care for, respect, and get along with the elderly.  In our society respect for the elderly is slowly being lost.  Children who live with their grandparents are enriched by knowing how another generation lived.

     There is a special bond that forms between and elderly person and a little child.  They have a lot in common; even with the age difference, they are compatible.  A child likes to take care of an older person, much like play-mothering.  Little children are so free with their love.  How wonderful to teach a child in the early years to care for and get along with the elderly.  It makes it so much easier in the future, when thy have the task of caring for their aging parents.  A good lesson for the young---we could use the same lessons.

     Emotions are wonderful!  Show your emotions to your loved ones.  Don’t hold those emotions  in until it is too late---tell them how much you love them today  Know that you have done everything you possibly could to make their last years with you comfortable. You will be glad you did.

FEELINGS

FEELINGS

    Sometimes a caregivers emotions are volatile, with big highs and very deep lows.  These feelings are mixed with confusion and frustration when things aren’t going too well.  It doesn’t take much to bring these emotions to the surface.  but you ride the tide, with well all its ups and downs.  You learn that you can’t hold your feelings in, or eventually it will make you sick.  And remember, words once spoken under the pressure of extreme emotions can’t be taken back.  It’s better to vent in other ways and never say the words to the person causing your distress.

     When my husband’s mother was living with us, I started to write to get my feelings out.  It seemed to help and I have continued this practice for the last thirteen years.

     When Mother Kuhn moved in I was resentful at having to care for her.  I resented how my world changed completely, and I fumed that it was all caused because she had smoked all her life.  Smoking caused her Empysema and finally killed her.  I reasoned that it wasn’t my fault she smoked herself to death, but I was forced to take care of her anyway.

     I think giving up my privacy when she moved in was the worst part of it.  Wayne and I had no time alone, except at night.  Eventually the tension got to both of us and we argued for the first time in our married life.  I mean really argued.  Over the years we certainly had little disagreements, but this was serious arguing..  Thank goodness those times were few.

     However, we had it easier than some other families who are trying to raise little children while looking after their ill parent.  They are called the “sandwich generation.”  They find themselves sandwiched between a growing family and an aging parent.  It is quite a juggling act for these families to cope with caregiving.  When a person rises early to get her children dressed and off to school, drives her husband to work, then spends the rest of the day caring for an ill parent, it doesn’t leave much time for anything else.

     Some of these young women feel they have lost themselves...they don’t seem to exist anymore.  It is just one task after another, with no time to call their own.  They know it will come to an end someday, but wonder how much they can handle until their parents pass on.  These woman will probably spend more time caring for their parents than they will raising their children.  It is a difficult fact to face.

ELEVATOR FUN

     When I was spending so much time in the hospital with Wayne, I noticed that it was always quiet in the elevator.  People just don’t talk much when they ride from floor to floor.  Have you ever noticed how silent everyone is when you step onto an elevator?  They look at the floor, unless they have a partner to talk with.  Even then, they stop their conversation until they reach their floor.  I guess they’re afraid that someone will hear some deep, dark secret.  In any case, elevators are usually a silent ride to your floor.  Sometimes there is music playing on the elevator, but I feel uneasy when I can’t speak to people.  I guess I’m a busybody, but I like to meet new people and learn where they are going and what is going on in their lives..  Give me ten minutes and I will know your life history.  Based on my curious nature I began an experiment while Wayne was in St. Vincent’s Hospital for so long.

     I decided to strike up a conversation with at least one person each time I rode the elevator, which was about twelve times a day.

     I started my experiment with a crowded elevator the first day.  All the even floors were pressed, so I made mention that we would not be stopping at any odd floors today, speaking in my best elevator operator voice.  When we started up, I called out the floors:  “Second floor, conference rooms, credit union, cafeteria, and if you need beautification, the beauty salon.  All out for the second floor please.”

     Everyone laughed and waited for the next floor.  I had all the floors down pat, because I had been there so long, I knew where everything was.  It was sort of like the old days when the elevator operator would call out all the floors in the department store.  But it made everyone feel more at ease, and they laughed as they left the elevator.  I rode all the way up to the ninth floor that time, even though my husband was on the seventh floor.  It was a lot of fun.

     I got to meet so may interesting people on the elevator.  There was an osteopath, who asked me if I knew what osteopathy was.  I met a tall, dark, handsome man in transportation (they take patients to various activities, such as physical therapy) who took my husband to dialysis.  I found out that he was a model for newspaper ads when he wasn’t working a the hospital.

     Sometimes you meet people that you know on the elevator---yes, even two hundred miles from home.  It sure is nice to have friends who will travel three and half hours just to say hello and see if we need anything.  Wayne’s golfing buddies rode up in the elevator with me.  Of course, they came to visit with my husband, but it’s always a nice surprise to see someone from home.

     When there were tears on the cheeks of a person entering the elevator, I always kept quiet.  I have shed a few myself and know that these times are best spend in quiet reflection.

     I looked on the board at the nurses station one day and found that I knew two people that were in the hospital at that time  It was a surprise to see their names, so I looked them up.  One was the groundskeeper from our golf course.  He was in the room right next to my husband’s and I didn’t even know it.  We had a nice chat about home.  It helped me and I know it was good for him too

     So, you see, there are a lot of wonderful people on the elevator...but you won’t know unless you look up once in a while. Believe me, there are a lot of interestng people with wonderful stories, if you just ask.  I did and I made new friends, even if it was just for a moment.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Moments of peaceful reflection give us the time to

                                                                                           count our blessings.

MORE SELF-TALK

     Self-doubt can make you feel isolated, depressed and anxious.  Instead, look for ways to build your self-esteem.  If you feel good about yourself, you will radiate a positive outlook and pass this on to your patient.  After all, you are a loving, capable caregiver and you can feel good about how you are helping your loved one.

     Maybe it’s time to surround yourself with people who will support and compliment you.  Your friends probably admire you, believing that you are a wonderful person to take on your patient’s care.  Most people couldn’t handle this tough job.  Don’t stay away from your friends, you need them now more than ever.  How long has it been since you took a friend to lunch?  Too long, I bet!  Take some time off and treat yourself and a friend, even if it’s just for a cup of coffee.

     Don’t be afraid to recognize your own accomplishments.  It isn’t selfish...after all you are doing a good job and you probably won’t get much positive feedback from your patient.  Give yourself a pat on the back for all the good you do.  When someone compliments you on a job well done, accept their praise with a smile.

     Many of us are overwhelmed by the responsibility of care for another person.  We expect too much from ourselves.  No one is perfect, so don’t try to be.  You are not responsible for the happiness of your parent, or whoever you are caring for.  No matter how great your efforts, chances are they aren’t going to be completely happy.  You may try to spend more time with them, or take them places, thinking this will make them happy, but it sin’t always true.  When a person gives up their home and everything they own except a few personal items, they are most likely going to miss those things.  No amount of caregiving will make up for the losses this person has experienced.

    Do the best you can and don’t worry if you feel tired, frustrated or angry once in a while.  At times you may lose your temper, but so will the person you are looking after.  We are all human.

SELF-TALK

     We all talk to ourselves from time to time.  When you make a mistake or do something dumb or silly, you berate yourself or laugh at yourself.  Do you ever rant and rave about what is happening to you?

     These days do you find that you are talking to yourself more often?  When things aren’t going right, I too start beating myself up with negative talk.  Sometimes I talk to myself out loud.  If anyone heard me they would think I had gone off the deep end.  When I’m really angry I talk to myself a lot.  Since I can’t complain to the person I’m caring for, I complain to myself.  Usually I’m voicing things that i would like to say, but don’t allow myself to for fear of hurting someone’s feelings.

     Pay attention to your inner words and avoid being too critical of yourself.  You are doing a wonderful job, even when no one bothers to praise your efforts.  When you are too critical of yourself you can become depressed.

     You start doubting yourself and thinking that you should have handled an incident differently or that you are to impatient.  When you are trying your best, but can’t meet everyone’s expectations, it is bound to cause you discomfort.  You begin to doubt your ability and coping skills.  You are constantly giving to others, but you never feel like you are doing enough.  You begin to feel that your efforts fall short---maybe you are not up to the job.  Don’t give in to those doubts and start criticizing yourself.  Stay as positive as you can.  These feelings will pass.