CHAPTER 6

DAILY ROUTINE

     When my mother-in-law first came to live with us she was able to do some things for herself.  She could take a shower, fix her own hair and keep her room clean.  But, as her illness worsened, she relied on us to do for her.

     There were times when I had to help her bathe herself, helping her in and out of the shower.  She was a little embarrassed at first, but she soon got over that.  When she could no longer walk and had to be wheeled around in a wheelchair, at first she would get around under her own power, but soon got over that.  When she could no longer walk and had to be wheeled around in a wheelchair, at first she would get around under her own power, but soon she became too weak to do even that chore for herself.

     When she became bedridden was when she needed the most attention.  Her daily routine was laid out so that it worked around our schedule.  At first we hired someone to come in and clean her room, give her a bath, and visit with her for a few hours each day.

     I would still make all the meals and care for her in the afternoon when I returned from work.  my husband did most of the daily chores after he retired, but some were too personal for him to do.  It was hard for him to help her use the rest room or bathe her---that was for me or the caregiver we hired.

     Her day would begin with coffee and a light breakfast, followed by a little rest so she could catch her breath.  it took a lot of her energy to eat her meat (emphysema is like that).  next she would get her bath and put on clean pajamas.  If she felt up to it, we would help her to a chair so that she could read or crochet a little, while we cleaned her room.  We made a pot of coffee for the day, as she was a real coffee drinker, and placed everything within her reach.

     By this time it was almost time to prepare lunch.  When she could no longer join us at the table, we brought her lunch on a tray and joined her in her room from time to time.  She hated to eat alone.  She would always take a nap after lunch and that would give us time to shop or take care of outside chores.

     We made sure that on a beautiful day, she was wheeled onto the porch for some fresh air, and given time to care for her plants.  she did love her flowers.  She would get tired easily, but she loved the outdoors very much, so it was important to give her the chance to be with her flowers.

    We would lift her back into bed for another nap, but not before I gave her a back rub.  She enjoyed having her back massaged.  It seemed to help the circulation when she was staying in bed so much of the time.  I would place a pillow between her legs when she turned on her side.  This helped cushion the knee bones and made her more comfortable.  It is also good to place a pillow between the feet for the same reason.  Her skin was very delicate and would tear easily, so we had to be careful that she didn’t get bedsores.

     We tried to always have her at the dinner table, so she had time to catch up on what we were doing each day.  We would prepare her food first, as it took her a long time to eat, with the oxygen and the emphysema tiring her out so easily.  After dinner she would sit in the living room with us for a little while, then ask to be put to bed, as she got tired.

     Another back massage helped her relax enough to get to sleep, but she might wake up in the middle of the night.  If she did, she would take a broom handle and hit the wall with it.  That would wake us up and we could help her, usually to use the bathroom.  Then in the morning we would start all over gain.

     We had a very good routine, with medication, baths, cleaning and all the other little chores that had to be done.  Mother enjoyed having someone fuss over her, so we tried to be in her room every hour or so to visit while we worked.  It worked out well for all three of us.  She seemed happier when we were there.

CHAPTER 5 ENDING

     Yes, there was a lot of resentment that welled up inside me when my mother-in-law came to live with us.  My resentment faded after the first month or so, however, i realized it was simply that I didn’t want my world invaded by anyone.  When our freedom was taken, I didn’t like it.  

     That must have been how she felt too.  If I had stopped to realize this, we could have understood each other’s moods.  Bu,t I was thinking only about myself and what this arrangement was doing to me and my life.  I failed to realize that everything she loved was being taken from her too; her house; most of her furniture; all the items that held memories for her, including the dishes she had had since she was married; and the comfort of her little home.  Now all she had was one room and a bath.

     The worst part was that she lost her independence.  She could no longer putter around in her lovely flower garden that she enjoyed so much.  She could no longer cook the type of food she enjoyed.  Now she had to rely on someone else and she didn’t like the way I cooked.  How she must have longed for the strength to do it herself.

     In retrospect, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I should have been thinking about how I could make her life happier in those first months with us.

     When you become self-absorbed you lose all perspective.

     Don’t make the same mistakes that I made!  Think about how your patient feels and try to make their room their home.  Keep fresh flowers or plants in the room.  Place them where they can care for them.  Involve your patient in their own care.  While they are able, let them clean their room, do some light cooking, and work in the  garden, if you have one.

     Your patient needs to feel needed, a part of the family, not just at dinner time, but all the time.  Ask for their help in preparing dinner and cleaning house.  Sure, it is easier to do it yourself, but knowing that you need their help will make them feel useful, and we all need to feel that we have a purpose in life.

     Remember, when you have been independent for most of your life, you are in control.  It is hard in give up that control to someone else.  Be patient and understanding and soon you will see a difference come over your loved one, a mood of calm and resignation to their situation.  They become thankful for your help rather than resistant.  You will find that it is a rewarding experience.  There is a period of adjustment of course, especially in the first months, but then you will settle into a normal family life.

     Give your loved one the opportunity to feel in control.  No one likes to feel that they have lost control over their life.  Include them in all decisions made on their behalf.  Don;t be overprotective.  It is easy to be overprotective of someone who is ill or frail.  However, it is important for your patient to feel they have control over as many areas of their life as possible.  If your loved one is capable, encourage them to do as many things as they can.  They should be making as many decisions as they can, too, even if they are just small things like choosing what they would like to eat for a meal.

     Everyone needs their privacy.  This is one of he losses that an elderly person feels.  They need time to be alone with their thoughts.  If their door is closed be sure to knock before entering.

     Just remember, they are giving up everything; you are just giving up a little privacy for a short period of time.  With the right attitude, it will work out just fine.

     My mother-in-law lived with us for four and half years.  In that time we worked together to make our arrangement work.  We eventually talked about how we felt and understood each other’s problem.  After that she knew what i was going through and I knew how she felt about giving up her home.  From then on, we got along famously.  She became the sweet neighbor that I once knew and loved and I enjoyed doing for her.  There was love in our home again.

                                         REMEMBER

•       Good communication with your patient can solve most of the problems.
•       Keep a smile on your face and love in your heart.
•       Do unto other...your turn is coming.
•       Look for the good and that is what you will find.
•       Do something nice for you loved one today.

                               THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    As we get older we need very little, but we do need compassion and love very much.

CHAPTER 5 MORE OF CHAPT 5

      There was a high window, so she couldn’t see out, except to see the sky.  It did make the room a little dark.  We talked it over, again, and finally hired a contractor to install a large sliding door and a deck with a railing around it, just outside the door.  This way she would have a good view of the back yard, with the beautiful flowers and the shade trees, plus she could go outside for some sun and fresh air, if she wanted to.  We planted some of her favorite flowers along the edge of the deck and put some brightly colored potted plants on the deck to brighten it up.  She had always grown lots of flowers and we thought taking care of the plants would make her feel a little more at home.  When we finished, it was quite lovely.  I think she liked the flowers; they seemed to make her happy.  It was worth the expense just to see her eyes light up.

     My husband and I are golfers and we always attended a golf tournament in Reno, sponsored by the bank I worked for.  We were left with the dilemma of finding someone to care for his mother.  Hiring someone was out--it was too expensive for twenty-four-hour care.  Our daughter, Casey came to the rescue with the suggestion that Grandma move into her house for the four days that we would be gone.  It was going to be difficult for her, with her small child, but she knew we needed a break.  Of course, Mother hated the arrangement and let her know it, as well as giving us an earful when we got home.  But, we had our vacation and we relished every minute.

     Even though my mother-in-law was a handful, I’m glad we took her into our home.  If she had spent her last years in a nursing home, she would have been devastated.  She would have felt that she had been discarded like an old shoe.  We couldn’t do that to the woman who had worked hard to raise a good son.  She was our family and we wanted to be sure that she had the best of care, in our home.

     Sometimes it’s hard to get past the resentment of having your life turned upside down.  However, it does pass, especially when you realize that you have truly helped your loved one in their hour of need.  After all, they raised you, nurtured you, sat up nights when you were ill, and didn’t complain.  Now it is your chance to return the favor.

     Even if they make life a little difficult for you, they are family and family cares for family.  Your efforts will be returned a hundredfold someday.  Remember, you will be old one day and you will be in the same boat as your loved one.  Who will care for you?

     Don’t feel guilty about your feelings.  They are normal.  Just remember that you are doing the right thing.  You are taking care of someone you love, someone who can no longer take care of herself---your mom, God love her.

     It may make you feel better to know that others share your frustration and resentments.  What follows are either reports I’ve gleaned from the Internet or stories related to me by other caregivers.

     Here’s a story from a caregiver named Connie:

     Sometimes I feel like I am a member of one of the most dysfunctional families on the face of the earth.  They aren’t dumb people.  I know that they must understand just how sick Mom is, so that leaves me wondering if they are just selfish, and if they are, how in the world did they get that way, and how do they just go on with their lives like nothing in the world is wrong here.  I just don’t understand anyone like that.

     I really feel for anybody who has to take care of an aging loved one by herself.  My husband died in 1972, and I only have one child.  She is twenty-four and married and busy with her own life, which is as it should e.  I have one brother and he is busy with his family.  He stops by for about five minutes every week, and never asks if we need anything.  As I said, I just don’t understand, and maybe I’m not supposed to.  I have heard it said many times that God takes care of us when we can’t take care of ourselves, and I know that it is true in my case.  Sometimes, though, I have to find a place where I can yell and rave and rant and let it all out.  If I didn’t I know I would be as crazy as a loon.  Maybe I am now, and I just don’t know it..

     

CHAPTER 5 CONTINUED

CHAPTER 5 CONTINUED....WAYNE'S MOM MOVES IN

     I went to the living room to bring her to see her nice new room.  I opened the door to show her our handiwork.  I said, “Here you are Mother, a nice, big room with your own bathroom.  How do you like it?”

     She looked around and answered, “It’s not big enough.  Where am I going to put my refrigerator and all the kitchen things?  Where am I going to cook?”

     At that point, I was so angry, frustrated, and just plain tired, that I wanted to hit her--so bad I could taste it.  I turned and left her and went into my little room and hit the bed instead, while big tears streamed down my cheeks.  Here I was squeezed into a small bedroom, with so much furniture and clothing that I could hardly move, while she had a big, beautiful bedroom that she didn’t seem to appreciate one little bit.

     We couldn’t jam our clothes into the small closet, so we split everything into two rooms.  We bought two more single beds, one for my husband and one for me.  this meant that we wouldn’t be able to sleep together, but there was nothing else to do.  It certainly wasn’t the best arrangement but we vowed to adjust.

     Having someone else living in your home is rough to handle, even for a short period of time, but this was a permanent arrangement.  It meant that we had no privacy, no time alone, and there was certainly no whoopee made in our house for a long while.  The problems seemed endless.  As if the situation wasn’t bad enough, she was also depressed and angry about her lot in life.  I realized her attitude stemmed from giving up her freedom and her home and relying on someone else for everything, but knowing that didn’t make dealing with her any easier.  We decided that this was the way it was going to be and we had to make the best of it.  We tried to make her as comfortable as we could.

     We moved as many of her personal belongings into her room as would fit, including her toaster oven, microwave, coffee pit and small refrigerator to keep her snacks and milk fresh.  The room was filled to capacity, but she could do a little cooking for herself.  Unfortunately, nothing really made her happy.  I realized that her pain was affecting her actions most of the time, but this knowledge didn’t make it any easier to swallow.  It seemed that the frustration of dealing with her was slowly dragging my husband and me down.

    It didn’t help that menopause was plaguing me with hot flashes and mood swings.  Tears came easily and I cried myself to sleep many nights.  Eight hours pent at my job followed by eight hours of caring for her was wearing me to a frazzle.  I knew that I needed an outlet for my anger and frustration, so I started keeping a journal.  Looking back, I realize that it saved my life!  The cathartic act of putting the words on paper somehow made it easier to forget my problem and get on with the work at hand,namely caring for her.  It seemed to me that once the words were written, they would leave my mind, giving me the opportunity to replace them with more positive thoughts.

     Before my mother-n-law moved into my home, I always thought of myself as a positive person.  I could usually turn negative thoughts or situations into positive outcomes with a little effort, but this predicament was a real challenge.

     When I talked to her doctor about her attitude, he suggested that I give her something to do.  He suggested that even little tasks like snapping beans, cutting up vegetable for a salad, or peeling potatoes would go a long way toward making her feel that she was needed. I tried his suggestions, she thought that I was making her work for her keep and became upset.  I tried to explain to her that I just wanted her to feel welcome and a part of the family.  I guess she didn’t see it that way.  But, I tried to ignore her attitude and just keep including her in everything we did.

     We did all the adjusting  from then on.  We tried to please her and give her the things that she wanted, or thought she needed, even when it strained our budget.  As her condition worsened she spent more time in her room, and she decided it was too dark in there.

CHAPTER 5 WAYNE'S MOM MOVES IN

CHAPTER 5

WAYNE’S MOM MOVES IN

     In the beginning I thought it would be easy to take my husband’s mother into our home and care for her.  After all, we had always had a good relationship.  She lived right across the street when I was growing up, and when I was fourteen, I used to help her around the house quite often.  I don’t know why it is more fun to do chores at someone else’s home, but it is.  Maybe because they thank you more often than your own family does.  Anyway, we were friends and our families were friends, as well.  It didn’t hurt that I was attracted to her son, either.  I liked being at his house when he came home from work.

     He was four and a half years older than I was and probably thought I was a baby but I was determined that he was the man I was going to marry.  Little did I realize that eventually is family would come along with him.  I loved his parents, so when we had to take care of them, I didn’t think it would be bad.  Boy, was I wrong!

     This was probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved my mother-in-law, at least I did when she was living in her own home.  She was a different person then, sweet, easygoing, and caring.  Illness changed her into someone I didn’t know.  I tried to make allowances for the illness, but it wasn’t easy.

     Caring for the elderly is a heartrending task at best.  It’s as though they become children again.  They often crave constant attention and resort to strange actions to get the attention they need.  And sometimes they seem to enjoy sending you on a guilt trip.  Ultimately, these changes may take a toll on your relationship.

     When Wayne’s mother moved in she had a bad case of shingles in her ears and mouth and on one side of her face.  Her doctor explained that this condition was very painful.  She also suffered from an advanced case of emphysema, brought on by a lifetime of heavy smoking.  This was almost too much for her to take.  Her frail, little body was wasting away.  But she needed help and we were determined to do what we could to make her comfortable.  The first step was to set her up in our spare bedroom.

     In the beginning, she wanted to be in the living room all the time.  I understood her need to be near our family so she wouldn’t be so lonely, but I couldn’t understand why she needed to be in the thick of things when we had guests.  She would lug her oxygen hose, pillow, blanket and many medications into our living room, all the while choking, coughing, and spitting out phlegm into issues that would land everywhere.  I would find her tissues in the darnedest places.  Now, I can take a lot, but it was difficult to entertain guests amid all this mess.  We tried to coax her into her room, but she wanted to be in the front room.

     Because her living with us was supposed to be a temporary measure, Mother was occupying the extra bedroom that was a mere nine by nine feet.  After she had been living with us for awhile, she decided it wasn’t big enough for all her things.  We tried to soothe her by explaining that the situation was temporary and she would soon be home again, in her little trailer.

     It wasn’t long before we realized that this wasn’t going to be a temporary stay, so if we wanted her to be happy we were going to have to give her a  bigger room.  We decided that our best option was to move out of our room and give her the master bedroom.  It was thirteen by fifteen feet and had a bathroom with a walk-in shower that would make it easier for her. It isn’’t what we wanted to do, but it was all we could manage at the time.

     We took her to her trailer so that she could pack her belongings and select the things that she wanted to keep with her.  Most of the trinkets and small items would be sold at a yard sale and the rest of her belonging could stay in her trailer, so we could rent it furnished.

     I wanted this big room to be special for her. I wanted to make it as much like home as possible, so I moved everything out and painted the walls and ceiling in the bedroom and the bathroom.  This make it fresh and clean, and light.  We moved our queen-sized waterbed (my pride and joy) to storage, since it wouldn’t fit in the smaller bedroom.  The large dresser was too big for any other room, so we left it for her things.

     The mirror had a china closet along one side to display her special treasures; the nightstand beside her single bed provided storage space and a drawer for her medications.  We chose a single bed to give her more room  I bought a new bedspread and curtain to match, in green and yellow to brighten up the room.  We placed her coffee maker in the bottom of the end table (she drank coffee all day) and her dishes in the china closet.  We hung her favorite pictures on the wall and placed her husband’s picture on the nightstand, along with a reading light.  I added a comfortable rocking chair that I thought would be perfect for her to sit and crochet.  The room really looked fresh and clean, and I was proud of the work we had done.  I just knew she would be excited and happy when she she it.  Wrong again!

Betty Boop: CHAPTER 4 MY FIRST PATIENT

Betty Boop: CHAPTER 4 MY FIRST PATIENT: MY FIRST PATIENT My caregiving career started out slowly with a part-time patient, my father-in-law, E.T., who I affectionately ca...

CHAPTER 4 MY FIRST PATIENT

    MY FIRST PATIENT

     My caregiving career started out slowly with a part-time patient, my father-in-law, E.T., who I affectionately called “a cantankerous old was an intelligent man.  He and I debated many an issue.  You had to have all your ducks in a row before coming up against this man, for he knew his subjects well.  Good research would make a good debate with him.  I knew him before I knew his son Wayne.  They lived across the street from us in Pasadena, California. I spent a lot of time at his house, even before his son came home from the service.

     I set my cap for his son and after we were married, we lived near his parents.  Eventually, we went into business with them for about fifteen years.  A few years after moving to Boardman, Oregon, we opened a garage, where the farmers got their equipment repaired and we would service cars that broke down on the highway.  Boardman was a town of 153 people at that time and it was culture shock, moving from Pasadena to Boardman, but we took it in stride.  When the John Day Dam went in, we moved our business to the new highway and together we owned a service station and auto repair shop.  It took me a long time to get used to small town living, but now I love it.

     my father-in-law believed that his way was always the right way.  When we started our business, he tried to tell me how to keep the books at the service station.  I listened to what he had to say, but the Union 76 representative showed me how they preferred to have the books kept, so of course, I followed their system.

     One day my father-in-law came in and was giving me a bad time about my bookkeeping method,,,again.  I’d had it up to my ears with the constant chatter and his suggestions.  I asked him if he wanted to sit own and do the books, instead of me.  When he declined, I told him to either sit down and do the books or get out of my office and let me do my job, my way.  With that I pushed him out the office door and slammed it shut.

     I guess that did it.  I had asserted myself and he must have respected that, for he didn’t give me a bad time ever again...at least  not about the books.  Even when we were on vacation and he had to do the books for me, he did it my way.  That astounded me!

     When my father-in-law retired from the service station, it wasn’t long before his health began to deteriorate.  On day in August 1983, he had a heart attack; in fact, his heart stopped completely.  His wife called 911 and the ambulance responded with the Emergency Medical Technicians, who struggled to resuscitate him and get his heart started again.

     He was in the hospital for a week then home for a few days.  It didn’t last long---he had a gall stone attack that put him back in the hospital for surgery.  In a couple of weeks he was home giving his wife a bad time again.

     She worked hard at taking care of her husband, but didn’t complain until she entered the hospital with congestive heart failure in October.  The burden of taking care of her husband, was beginning to show in her health.

     While she was hospitalized, my father-in-law moved into our house for a while.  Then my mother-in-law joined him in a week, when she was released from the hospital.  I had my hands full since neither one was doing too well but we got through it.  They were able to do some things for themselves during convalescence, so it didn’t interfere with our work day.

     During this time, my parents planned to drive from Sequim, Washington for a visit, so we moved my in-laws to my daughter’s house for a while.  We didn’t have enough room for both couples, and they weren’t ready to go home yet.  Casey kept them for a few days, until my mother-in-law was back on her feet, then they moved back to Boardman and their little trailer.

     My parents stayed with us for two weeks, and just after they left to go home, we brought my father-in-law back again.

     This time he was suffering from a ad case of hiccups.  We drove to Boardman to bring him to the hospital.  He was given an injection to relax him, but it took effect before we could get him home to Boardman.  He went limp, really knocked out.  His body was like a rag doll, all floppy and loose.  Too loose!  The relaxant must have been too strong, because he started vomiting all over the bed.  He collapsed and we took him to the hospital again.

     He was out of the hospital in a week and back in Boardman.  However, after this incident Wayne’s father went downhill fast.  Mother kept him in a hospital bed in the front room of their trailer and cared for him as best she could.  When the task got too much for her, she would bring him to our house so we could take over and she could rest for a while and regain her strength.  We drove to their house often to help my mother-in-law and visit over dinner.

     By the beginning of January in 1984, Wayne’s father became seriously ill.  His wife again brought him to our house, where we cared for him for a few days.  This is when I learned my first real lesson in caregiving.  Always use  rubber sheet or  draw sheet on the patient;s bed.  He was resting in bed, before going to the hospital for three days in preparation for entering the nursing home, when he lost control of his bladder and his bowel.  Wayne and I struggled to get his soiled clothes off, while Mother Kuhn stood nearby apologizing and sobbing.  She was so worn out trying to care for her husband that she was close to a breakdown.

     Finally we got the bedding off the bed, scrubbed the mattress and flipped it over, bathed him, dressed him and took him to the hospital.  I’ll never forget the look on my mother-in-law’s face.  It was as if her world was coming to an end and she could do nothing but watch it happen.  

     Looking back at what he endured for his last six months, it might have been wiser to have let him go during the first heart attack.  Wayne’s mother said that if she had known how he was going to suffer, she would have told the paramedics to let him go.  His life became hellish, and he was forced to depend on a nurse for everything.

     Accustomed to being in control of his life and his family for more than eighty years, he was now dependent on someone else for everything, including his bodily functions.  The indignity of his situation tore him up inside.  He couldn’t even eat by himself, and the food wasn’t to his liking either.  Finally he simply gave up.  His wife sat with him for long hours, every day, watching the man she loved die by inches.

     He was admitted to a nursing home of January 18.  He finally had another heart attack during the night of February 11, and my “cantankerous old goat” left this world with its pain and suffering.  the whole town turned out for his funeral.  This gruff little man was loved by all who knew him...including me.

     We knew so little about caregiving in our home back then and we did many things wrong.  The one thing we didn’t do wrong was love and care for my husband’s father.