MORE ABOUT FEELINGS

    Sometimes the pressure of your situation makes you angry at everybody and everything in your life.  It isn’t fair to the children, who haven’t done anything yet feel the tension in the family.

     You may get angry at your parent for forcing you into this predicament.  You just want it to come to an end.  You want them to pass away and be done with it.  You’re not alone in these feelings.  It is normal to feel resentment when your whole life has been turned upside down.

     But there are benefits and lovely moments in caregiving too, since it’s not just all problems.  Count the precious years that your loved one has lived and imagine the changes that have taken place during their lifetime.  Imagine living through this period of rapid change, a witness to man learning how to fly, then watching the first walk on the moon.  It must be amazing, to say the least.  Think of the stories they have to tell.  At the very least you can hear all the important events in their lives, or hear stories about their parents’ lives.  You have a treasure of family history just waiting to be recorded for future generations.  So instead of counting your losses, explore the past and really hear your heritage.

     If there are children living at home, they learn to care for, respect, and get along with the elderly.  In our society respect for the elderly is slowly being lost.  Children who live with their grandparents are enriched by knowing how another generation lived.

     There is a special bond that forms between and elderly person and a little child.  They have a lot in common; even with the age difference, they are compatible.  A child likes to take care of an older person, much like play-mothering.  Little children are so free with their love.  How wonderful to teach a child in the early years to care for and get along with the elderly.  It makes it so much easier in the future, when thy have the task of caring for their aging parents.  A good lesson for the young---we could use the same lessons.

     Emotions are wonderful!  Show your emotions to your loved ones.  Don’t hold those emotions  in until it is too late---tell them how much you love them today  Know that you have done everything you possibly could to make their last years with you comfortable. You will be glad you did.

FEELINGS

FEELINGS

    Sometimes a caregivers emotions are volatile, with big highs and very deep lows.  These feelings are mixed with confusion and frustration when things aren’t going too well.  It doesn’t take much to bring these emotions to the surface.  but you ride the tide, with well all its ups and downs.  You learn that you can’t hold your feelings in, or eventually it will make you sick.  And remember, words once spoken under the pressure of extreme emotions can’t be taken back.  It’s better to vent in other ways and never say the words to the person causing your distress.

     When my husband’s mother was living with us, I started to write to get my feelings out.  It seemed to help and I have continued this practice for the last thirteen years.

     When Mother Kuhn moved in I was resentful at having to care for her.  I resented how my world changed completely, and I fumed that it was all caused because she had smoked all her life.  Smoking caused her Empysema and finally killed her.  I reasoned that it wasn’t my fault she smoked herself to death, but I was forced to take care of her anyway.

     I think giving up my privacy when she moved in was the worst part of it.  Wayne and I had no time alone, except at night.  Eventually the tension got to both of us and we argued for the first time in our married life.  I mean really argued.  Over the years we certainly had little disagreements, but this was serious arguing..  Thank goodness those times were few.

     However, we had it easier than some other families who are trying to raise little children while looking after their ill parent.  They are called the “sandwich generation.”  They find themselves sandwiched between a growing family and an aging parent.  It is quite a juggling act for these families to cope with caregiving.  When a person rises early to get her children dressed and off to school, drives her husband to work, then spends the rest of the day caring for an ill parent, it doesn’t leave much time for anything else.

     Some of these young women feel they have lost themselves...they don’t seem to exist anymore.  It is just one task after another, with no time to call their own.  They know it will come to an end someday, but wonder how much they can handle until their parents pass on.  These woman will probably spend more time caring for their parents than they will raising their children.  It is a difficult fact to face.

ELEVATOR FUN

     When I was spending so much time in the hospital with Wayne, I noticed that it was always quiet in the elevator.  People just don’t talk much when they ride from floor to floor.  Have you ever noticed how silent everyone is when you step onto an elevator?  They look at the floor, unless they have a partner to talk with.  Even then, they stop their conversation until they reach their floor.  I guess they’re afraid that someone will hear some deep, dark secret.  In any case, elevators are usually a silent ride to your floor.  Sometimes there is music playing on the elevator, but I feel uneasy when I can’t speak to people.  I guess I’m a busybody, but I like to meet new people and learn where they are going and what is going on in their lives..  Give me ten minutes and I will know your life history.  Based on my curious nature I began an experiment while Wayne was in St. Vincent’s Hospital for so long.

     I decided to strike up a conversation with at least one person each time I rode the elevator, which was about twelve times a day.

     I started my experiment with a crowded elevator the first day.  All the even floors were pressed, so I made mention that we would not be stopping at any odd floors today, speaking in my best elevator operator voice.  When we started up, I called out the floors:  “Second floor, conference rooms, credit union, cafeteria, and if you need beautification, the beauty salon.  All out for the second floor please.”

     Everyone laughed and waited for the next floor.  I had all the floors down pat, because I had been there so long, I knew where everything was.  It was sort of like the old days when the elevator operator would call out all the floors in the department store.  But it made everyone feel more at ease, and they laughed as they left the elevator.  I rode all the way up to the ninth floor that time, even though my husband was on the seventh floor.  It was a lot of fun.

     I got to meet so may interesting people on the elevator.  There was an osteopath, who asked me if I knew what osteopathy was.  I met a tall, dark, handsome man in transportation (they take patients to various activities, such as physical therapy) who took my husband to dialysis.  I found out that he was a model for newspaper ads when he wasn’t working a the hospital.

     Sometimes you meet people that you know on the elevator---yes, even two hundred miles from home.  It sure is nice to have friends who will travel three and half hours just to say hello and see if we need anything.  Wayne’s golfing buddies rode up in the elevator with me.  Of course, they came to visit with my husband, but it’s always a nice surprise to see someone from home.

     When there were tears on the cheeks of a person entering the elevator, I always kept quiet.  I have shed a few myself and know that these times are best spend in quiet reflection.

     I looked on the board at the nurses station one day and found that I knew two people that were in the hospital at that time  It was a surprise to see their names, so I looked them up.  One was the groundskeeper from our golf course.  He was in the room right next to my husband’s and I didn’t even know it.  We had a nice chat about home.  It helped me and I know it was good for him too

     So, you see, there are a lot of wonderful people on the elevator...but you won’t know unless you look up once in a while. Believe me, there are a lot of interestng people with wonderful stories, if you just ask.  I did and I made new friends, even if it was just for a moment.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Moments of peaceful reflection give us the time to

                                                                                           count our blessings.

MORE SELF-TALK

     Self-doubt can make you feel isolated, depressed and anxious.  Instead, look for ways to build your self-esteem.  If you feel good about yourself, you will radiate a positive outlook and pass this on to your patient.  After all, you are a loving, capable caregiver and you can feel good about how you are helping your loved one.

     Maybe it’s time to surround yourself with people who will support and compliment you.  Your friends probably admire you, believing that you are a wonderful person to take on your patient’s care.  Most people couldn’t handle this tough job.  Don’t stay away from your friends, you need them now more than ever.  How long has it been since you took a friend to lunch?  Too long, I bet!  Take some time off and treat yourself and a friend, even if it’s just for a cup of coffee.

     Don’t be afraid to recognize your own accomplishments.  It isn’t selfish...after all you are doing a good job and you probably won’t get much positive feedback from your patient.  Give yourself a pat on the back for all the good you do.  When someone compliments you on a job well done, accept their praise with a smile.

     Many of us are overwhelmed by the responsibility of care for another person.  We expect too much from ourselves.  No one is perfect, so don’t try to be.  You are not responsible for the happiness of your parent, or whoever you are caring for.  No matter how great your efforts, chances are they aren’t going to be completely happy.  You may try to spend more time with them, or take them places, thinking this will make them happy, but it sin’t always true.  When a person gives up their home and everything they own except a few personal items, they are most likely going to miss those things.  No amount of caregiving will make up for the losses this person has experienced.

    Do the best you can and don’t worry if you feel tired, frustrated or angry once in a while.  At times you may lose your temper, but so will the person you are looking after.  We are all human.

SELF-TALK

     We all talk to ourselves from time to time.  When you make a mistake or do something dumb or silly, you berate yourself or laugh at yourself.  Do you ever rant and rave about what is happening to you?

     These days do you find that you are talking to yourself more often?  When things aren’t going right, I too start beating myself up with negative talk.  Sometimes I talk to myself out loud.  If anyone heard me they would think I had gone off the deep end.  When I’m really angry I talk to myself a lot.  Since I can’t complain to the person I’m caring for, I complain to myself.  Usually I’m voicing things that i would like to say, but don’t allow myself to for fear of hurting someone’s feelings.

     Pay attention to your inner words and avoid being too critical of yourself.  You are doing a wonderful job, even when no one bothers to praise your efforts.  When you are too critical of yourself you can become depressed.

     You start doubting yourself and thinking that you should have handled an incident differently or that you are to impatient.  When you are trying your best, but can’t meet everyone’s expectations, it is bound to cause you discomfort.  You begin to doubt your ability and coping skills.  You are constantly giving to others, but you never feel like you are doing enough.  You begin to feel that your efforts fall short---maybe you are not up to the job.  Don’t give in to those doubts and start criticizing yourself.  Stay as positive as you can.  These feelings will pass.

ATTITUDE PART 3

     Overall we get what we expect.  What we get is largely determined by our state of mine---our attitude.  If you look for the best you probably will find it.  But, if you look for the worst in everything, you’ll probably find that instead.

     When Wayne was in the hospital and we weren’t sure if he would make it, I stayed as positive as I could, with a big smile for everyone including my husband.  Sometimes it wasn’t easy, but it would have been much more difficult if I had focused on how frightened and uncertain I felt.  I had enough people around me believing that he wouldn’t make it, but I remained optimistic.  Sometimes the only benefit I could find was that his illness gave me the opportunity to learn caregiving from the best teachers.  Luckily, the doctors and nurses at St Vincent’s Hospital in Portland are the best.  Without their guidance and education, I couldn’t have handled care for my mother along with my husband in a strange town.

     The staff understood my feelings and let me blow off steam.  They would put their arms around me and comfort me. Tthey listened to me.  They helped me retain my faith that everything would indeed work out for the best.  They also helped me come to terms with the possibility that Wayne might not make it.

     I felt I had nothing to give them in return, so I tried to give back a little to them by baking cookies for all the nurses and doctors on the seventh floor.  I became the cookie lady.  Once a week, I would make special Italian cookies and chocolate chip cookies for all the nurses and the dialysis crew.  The doctors learned that the dialysis unit was a place to go for snacks.  At least I could show my appreciation for all their help.  I know it was a small thing, but they enjoyed it and so did I.

     Attitude is everything!  Even the happiest people get depressed once in a while.  Knowing that attitude is so important, we can use this information to help us create a positive attitude.  It is just as easy to be positive, as negative.  It is your choice.  Choose to be happy---positive---it makes life so much better for everyone.

     The key to a good attitude is hope.  When hope is gone, all is lost.  As long as there is hope for the future, you can face anything that is handed you.  Hang on to your goal.  Work toward it every day.  Whether it is to provide a pain-free life for an aging parent or to get a loved one back on his feet again, hold onto the hope, the goal, and the positive attitude and you will succeed.

     Emile Coure’, the famous psychotherapist, said that if you simply repeat ,“Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better,” your problems will tend to diminish, your luck will improve and your attitude will become positive.  You will have hope for the future.

     Keep yourself in a good state of mine---be positive.  No matter how you mange it, do it!  You will find that when you do, you will be relaxed, easygoing, happy and in control of your life.  It sure beats the alternative.

     You ask, “How can I be positive, when my world seems to be crumbling around me?”

     I say, ask for strength and guidance from a higher power.  Put on a positive face until you feel positive, and don’t forget Coue’s words.  “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.”  And you will.

     As caregivers you must keep a positive attitude to pass it on to your loved one.  No one likes a sour-faced caregiver.  We need compassion sympathy and courage to give them hope for a better tomorrow.

MORE ATTITUDE

     Have you ever gotten up and felt wonderful?  The birds are singing, the sun is shining and the world is beautiful.  Then you meet someone who is in a grumpy mood and who can’t see the beauty of the morning.  They might make a remark that angers you and by the time you get to work, your mood has changed and you are ready to bark at everyone.  It is funny how someone else’s bad mood can be contagious.  You start out happy and end up wanting to kick the cat.

     I have learned to pity those grumpy people I meet, but I won’t let them ruin my day.  Instead of taking on their mood, I try to coax them out of their bad mood with a little humor or perhaps just by listening to their problems.  Sometimes my approach works and they begin to look at things differently.  At least it is worth a try.  After all, we all need help once in a while.

     When you are beset with worry and stress, it is hard to remain upbeat.  How do you stay positive in stressful situations?  No matter how difficult the situation.  I try to find the good in everything.  There is always something hopeful in every ordeal, even if it only serves to bring you closer to your family.

      How can you count your blessings when you’re miserable and worried?  Naturally, it is difficult, but you can do it if you try.  Seek inspirational books or tapes and surround yourself with caring optimistic friends.  Find a friend who will listen while you blow off steam.  Sometimes you’ll discover that all you need is someone to listen Someone with a smile.

     Have you every known someone who is always smiling, always upbeat?  They are a pleasure to work with and they make you feel good, even when you are down.  So why aren’t we all like that?  It would make life so much more enjoyable.

     It appears that this type of person most often gets wheat they want---or is it that they just want what they get?